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A bisexual escort from Basildon

I am now 31 years old and have been officially bisexual for about ten years. I date women and men equally. When asked about my sexual orientation, I had previously replied that I was heterosexual, especially since I had only had romantic relationships with representatives of the male gender. In addition, I grew up in the nineties in a very heteronormative environment, where even homosexuality was considered exotic, and there were hardly any role models. We are talking about a rural small town in the Basildon region.

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Bisexuality, admittedly, I didn’t even know the term for a long time. The signs that I wasn’t just interested in males were obvious. I experienced my first kiss with my best friend at the time, and at parties at the end of the evening, I made out with women as often as with men. However, alcohol was usually involved in these moments and bawling classmates or other male reading people as spectators in the background. One thing was clear; our dalliance was primarily for general amusement. Or rather: arousal because we have been sexualized.

My real life – is little more than a porn fantasy for some

Nobody made a secret of it because it was perfectly okay for two women to exchange caresses. On the relevant free porn exchanges, this picture was also standard practice. The next day, sober, usually nobody talked about it anymore – neither did I.

My younger years were marked by the fact that I repeatedly had difficulties maintaining deep friendships. “But why?” I kept asking myself. Feelings of jealousy and affection, which I didn’t know how to classify at the time, spread through me. When there were challenges with my male acquaintances, it was usually quickly apparent that one of them had fallen in love.

My younger years were marked by the fact that I repeatedly had difficulties maintaining deep friendships.

“But why?” I kept asking myself. But that couldn’t have been the case with my friends and me? So far, the most incredible feeling was that one night, unfortunately quite drunk again, I ended up in bed with a good friend kissing and fumbling. But we never really talked about it; it just happened. Too bad.

Looking back, I understand what was going on back then. Maybe I had a crush on one or the other best friend at times and couldn’t admit it. Only years later, when I moved out to study and left the small town and spent several months abroad and met many people, I began to understand. Suddenly there were various role models, Life and relationship models that I didn’t know before, and I began to understand that my reality had only been a small glimpse of what is possible.

More understanding of myself

It felt like a liberation because I discovered sides of myself that I had unconsciously suppressed before. Yes, unconsciously, because I wasn’t aware that there was more to being heterosexual or homosexual for years. I finally understood that I could feel attracted to more than just one gender – namely to people, regardless of whether they have a vulva or a penis: Inside. I celebrated this realization because it offered so many new possibilities, and my curiosity increased immeasurably.

Admittedly, I was timid at first regarding same-sex dating.

I was first dating a lesbian who I was supposed to have my first time with. I have booked her from Horny Escort Service. My first time with a female read person, and still sober. I was excited but mainly aroused. So that’s what it felt like. I wanted more of it, and from then on, I dated other women who had come out as lesbians or bisexuals. With curiosity came new challenges that I hadn’t expected before: prejudice and discrimination.

But with curiosity came new challenges that I hadn’t expected beforehand: prejudice and discrimination. Of course, it was maybe a little naïve of me to think that being non-straight is a piece of cake. On the contrary! I was to feel a conflict of affiliation again because from then on, I was bombarded with questions and statements that once or twice got me into the difficulty of having to justify myself.

Clichés and prejudices, like not being able to decide; to crave attention; I kept hearing that being a sex addict is not the best decision when choosing a partner, which hurt me. Who wants to be with someone who: is attracted to more than one gender? That would mean a double threat from outside. A few more years passed before I realized that these statements say more about them: the broadcasters and his fear of being abandoned. Years in which I once again felt little taken seriously, but above all, didn’t feel like I belonged.

Discrimination from many directions

Lesbian cis women didn’t want to date me because I’m sure I’d “get in bed with the enemy” again, and I’m just an adventurous, heteroflexible person. Straight cis men degraded me to sex object 2.0 and potential contender for their threesome fantasies. My parents took in the information but didn’t feel like it. At most, they asked me about my male playmates or if there would be a new man in my life. In their conservative life reality, a relationship with a woman, let alone marriage or even starting a family with two female parents, is still unimaginable. As I said: The role models are (were) missing.

So I started again to justify myself for how I loved and lived.

A draining feeling that got on my nerves at some moments. So it didn’t surprise me when, during my research, I kept coming across statistics that showed that bisexual people suffered particularly frequently from depression and addiction and had an increased risk of suicide.

I’m now the role model that I lacked. Nevertheless, I was shocked and made a plan, albeit somewhat subconsciously at first. Still, the desire to become a mouthpiece for the small “b” within the LGBTQ community manifested itself more and more. I wrote blog posts and online newspaper articles that gradually got more and more attention. All of this helped me a lot – and others too.

So I wrote everything down. My thoughts, experiences, the results of my research and stories that other bisexual people told me… I wrote blog posts and online newspaper articles that gradually got more and more attention. All of this helped me a lot – and others too. More and more messages reached me, and having to justify myself or not feeling like I belonged gradually disappeared.

Even if being bisexual was a challenge for me for a long time, it is now just one thing: a gift. The gift of liking all genders and thereby being able to (experience) a broader spectrum of diversity. I no longer hide, I no longer question myself, I am proud to be bisexual – and therefore resistant to outdated clichés and ridiculous prejudices. I fall in love with people, not private parts. I just don’t fit in (your) one drawer. deal with it.

‘Boring Relationships’: I don’t need drama in love anymore.

Sex and the City, Hollywood comedies, war and peace all have something in common: drama about love. One would think that modern love has only evolved over the past few decades to be harder to come by and even harder to keep. However, our striving, searching and doubting still behave as they did in the last century, and our penchant for dramatic love affairs and exuberant expectations does not diminish. What do you give me? What can I hope for? Where should I try harder or even change?

Our striving, searching and doubting still behave as they did in the last century, and our penchant for dramatic love affairs and exuberant expectations does not diminish. Counsellors roll over on Spotify in the form of therapy podcasts or the self-mutilation of young couples, just as Brigitte still never tires of bringing the top ten most successful arts of seduction to the Ladies. My annual horoscope explains why it is under the influence of Mars could get stormy in my love life in August.

Self-determined togetherness

The fact is, however, that as I get older, something like calm returns to my desire for relationships. Not because the partner is finally the right one or because my antidepressants are working, no, but instead because I’m tired of living and loving in a way that is determined by others.

As I get older, something like calm returns to my desire for relationships.

Not because the partner is finally the right one or because my antidepressants are working, no, but instead because I’m tired of living and loving in a way that is determined by others.

I don’t want to compare myself to Carrie anymore, waiting for Mr Big to put an absurdly expensive ring on my finger… or was it a shoe on my foot? I also don’t want to listen to any more audiobooks in which the unhappy feminist only gets well again because she meets excellent love on a summer holiday in the country.

My idea of a satisfying relationship starts with the knowledge that I don’t need it to be happy but that this very guy, ten tram stops away from me, is an excellent sock who makes me laugh hard now and then. No more and no less.

I have given up all illusions that my partner could get me out of my mood and financial difficulties because I feel that dependence is not my declared goal in life. However, instead of blaming myself for having thought and lived differently in the past, I have this mild, old-age wink for myself. “Hey, younger me, what kind of a flop was that, please?” My youthful sins and slow-witted demons raise the glass of better red wine and toast me. “Yeah, wasn’t smart, but entertaining!”

No security, but stability

We live more or less in harmony now. Fears that a relationship is only worthwhile if it ends in an engagement, and we’ll soon find ourselves in a downtown condo together are gone. Today I’m sitting on four walls, with the refrigerator I paid for myself, the walls I lovingly repaint every month and as many books as the shelves can hold.

And he sits in his apartment in front of the portion of organic muesli with dried fruit, his detergent that makes the apartment smell like him, and the children’s room in which his daughter throws all her problems at his head – not at mine.

We live our own life and link them here and there without coercion and pressure. I also pine a lot less for my phone when he’s not around, and I’m relieved I’m no longer writing self-mending diary novels exploring why he didn’t kiss me virtual goodnight last night.

I prefer to look forward to the moment when we sit in the park with a beer and tease about the latest mullet trends. We’re old now; we’re allowed to do this. We live our own life and link them here and there without coercion and pressure.

It’s nice to look back at changes, especially the positive ones. This development could not have been foreseen years ago. There was this restlessness in me and the unconditional feeling of having to compare myself to others. The urge to achieve specific goals that I considered worthwhile and noble. Today they are pale and tired compared to what reality, my reality, has to offer me.

Stability, no security, but a serenity that does you good.

Maybe for the first time in a long time, I’m not dependent on having a relationship for my status and environment, but I’m really in the mood for precisely this partnership and this partner. That feeling is almost a bit boring, yes. But it’s also perfect for my heart.

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